“My friend, you have not grown up with an enmeshed family who escaped communism but brought the psychological and emotional features of communism with them.”
Powerful and moving essay, Kate. Thank you for sharing your insight. All of it resonated (a little too much!) As I too am on this confusing path between discernment, pain, grief and search for meaningful connection. I wrote something eerily similar in the first Medea essay. Not sure if you read Susan Forward? She had some powerful pieces on enmeshment but I can't recall the reference. Also what you describe is exactly why I avoid my more distant relatives in Poland, same story. Nothing feels lile family even though everything is familiar. Hard to find yourself again. Hugs from Canada xx
I have read Susan Forward! Yes, she has done some good work on this.
I understand about your Polish relatives. I think there is something about the Matriarchal culture and enmeshment here. Mexico is similar, in my experience, to the Eastern European family values. Hard to break out on your own without guilt!
Yeah, I think the key to resisting the guilt is just stronger boundaries, refusal, discernment, choosing yourself and what you value - that generates energy I think in attracting what feels good and natural. But there is a line between being selfish and being caring which I struggle with. I have this thing, where I just want to care about other people because I'd want people to care about me just the same, I just enjoy and love caring for people. But then when you need people, nobody is there. And that really, really burns. Because then you think: "well if the tables flipped, I'd absolutely never do that to you." And it's met with as if you never existed. So then you realize "ohhhh, so these aren't my people then.". It might also be a sign, that you are striving to grow and "shed" but those around you are not all that comfortable in you doing that. A topic to table in Mexico!! xx.
I echo Paulina: “All of it resonated (a little too much!)”
This tug-of-war between individual and collective is both fascinating and painful.
Yes, exactly. So well said!!
Powerful and moving essay, Kate. Thank you for sharing your insight. All of it resonated (a little too much!) As I too am on this confusing path between discernment, pain, grief and search for meaningful connection. I wrote something eerily similar in the first Medea essay. Not sure if you read Susan Forward? She had some powerful pieces on enmeshment but I can't recall the reference. Also what you describe is exactly why I avoid my more distant relatives in Poland, same story. Nothing feels lile family even though everything is familiar. Hard to find yourself again. Hugs from Canada xx
I have read Susan Forward! Yes, she has done some good work on this.
I understand about your Polish relatives. I think there is something about the Matriarchal culture and enmeshment here. Mexico is similar, in my experience, to the Eastern European family values. Hard to break out on your own without guilt!
Yeah, I think the key to resisting the guilt is just stronger boundaries, refusal, discernment, choosing yourself and what you value - that generates energy I think in attracting what feels good and natural. But there is a line between being selfish and being caring which I struggle with. I have this thing, where I just want to care about other people because I'd want people to care about me just the same, I just enjoy and love caring for people. But then when you need people, nobody is there. And that really, really burns. Because then you think: "well if the tables flipped, I'd absolutely never do that to you." And it's met with as if you never existed. So then you realize "ohhhh, so these aren't my people then.". It might also be a sign, that you are striving to grow and "shed" but those around you are not all that comfortable in you doing that. A topic to table in Mexico!! xx.