I remember a conversation my husband and I had back when we were still a little bit idealistic, in our mid-20s. We were fantasizing about winning the lottery and talking in concrete terms about how we would use the money to help our friends. But as we talked, we came to an uncomfortable realization that a lot of our friends had problems that no amount of money could solve. It was a major shift in perspective for me to realize that.
Great insight. I often find, even now in my thirties, that when I spend a lot of time on scenarios of how to help (or fix) my friends, it’s because I’m projecting a desire to fix something in my own life. Expending energy trying to find solutions for other people is usually a signal that my own garden needs tending to, and I’m just procrastinating.
The best way to save our friends, or the world, I think— is to save ourselves. When our lives improve, there is a ripple effect. The people who notice can follow your lead if they need to make their own changes. The ones who decide to stay stuck usually feel resentful.
Interestingly, the same principles apply to economics.
Making the sandwich was still a good thing to do. As I see it, the problem comes in thinking of it as an act of personal virtue or a transformative act rather than an act of mercy
Excellent, truly. Brings me back to the early 1990s when I worked every Friday night on the Dans La Rue van in Montreal helping street kids. I did it for two years. Met lots and lots of troubled people, and learned the same lessons you did, maybe a little faster. But if you are going to grow up, and truly help people, you have to move beyond your naivete.
Great piece Kate, thank you. Everyone wants the story of "I am good", that's relatable. I have a very similar story also from my first apartment back in Toronto from uni. I lived on Queen West and there were the regular homeless that sometimes I'd bring leftovers or a Polish sausage bun over to. It was also refused, I couldn't figure out why. Was I demeaning by doing so? I didn't have money so I shared food. But then another time a clearly struggling woman repeating a really effective emotive script ran after me, begging for money. So, empathetically, I gave her all my charge, I couldn't refuse. Then I noticed that she used the exact same script with someone else on the street, I noticed a stragedy. I was upset that I've been fooled. Then I learned from another friend that the homeless are frequently on welfare and they they hit the streets in daylight and they work by begging. Not all of course. Anyway, I still give, but welfare is there for a hand up and not a hand out. I've also once talked down a suicide but this time it was recent and it was a guy begging to have maid for an environmental illness. In front of the whole support group, I refused and ended up scolded for my lack of "inclusivity". Bananas. And then the pandemic happened and Ive written some of the story...it's amazing what has happened to people.
Thankfully I'll never have that problem. At 72 years old, having witnessed Communism, an armed invasion and a war, I am immune to the milk of human kindness. Everyone's a dick. Except my dog for whom my love knows no bounds
I’m not sure that reserving compassion for only those who might benefit from it is the lesson here. If I am able to offer something to another, I also must practice accepting that the gift may or may not be taken up, or that any action I take can change someone else. I don’t know what that person’s path is, or what lessons they are here to learn. In fact, it is not my business. My business is to recognize the divine in another and in me and have my actions arise out of that.
It is not easy, that’s for sure. It may come down to being quite clear on what is my motive for helping. Quite often, it has more to do with what I think someone else should do based on my own limitations. That is a clue to me to step back and to put my energies into just being a space of acceptance of the other person to be/do what they are about at a certain point in time. It requires constant reflection which is demanding.
I remember a conversation my husband and I had back when we were still a little bit idealistic, in our mid-20s. We were fantasizing about winning the lottery and talking in concrete terms about how we would use the money to help our friends. But as we talked, we came to an uncomfortable realization that a lot of our friends had problems that no amount of money could solve. It was a major shift in perspective for me to realize that.
Great insight. I often find, even now in my thirties, that when I spend a lot of time on scenarios of how to help (or fix) my friends, it’s because I’m projecting a desire to fix something in my own life. Expending energy trying to find solutions for other people is usually a signal that my own garden needs tending to, and I’m just procrastinating.
The best way to save our friends, or the world, I think— is to save ourselves. When our lives improve, there is a ripple effect. The people who notice can follow your lead if they need to make their own changes. The ones who decide to stay stuck usually feel resentful.
Interestingly, the same principles apply to economics.
What a piece. Both heartwarming and sobering to read. I bet that felt a bit like spilling some of your soul. Much obliged for the wisdom.
Making the sandwich was still a good thing to do. As I see it, the problem comes in thinking of it as an act of personal virtue or a transformative act rather than an act of mercy
Excellent, truly. Brings me back to the early 1990s when I worked every Friday night on the Dans La Rue van in Montreal helping street kids. I did it for two years. Met lots and lots of troubled people, and learned the same lessons you did, maybe a little faster. But if you are going to grow up, and truly help people, you have to move beyond your naivete.
Great piece Kate, thank you. Everyone wants the story of "I am good", that's relatable. I have a very similar story also from my first apartment back in Toronto from uni. I lived on Queen West and there were the regular homeless that sometimes I'd bring leftovers or a Polish sausage bun over to. It was also refused, I couldn't figure out why. Was I demeaning by doing so? I didn't have money so I shared food. But then another time a clearly struggling woman repeating a really effective emotive script ran after me, begging for money. So, empathetically, I gave her all my charge, I couldn't refuse. Then I noticed that she used the exact same script with someone else on the street, I noticed a stragedy. I was upset that I've been fooled. Then I learned from another friend that the homeless are frequently on welfare and they they hit the streets in daylight and they work by begging. Not all of course. Anyway, I still give, but welfare is there for a hand up and not a hand out. I've also once talked down a suicide but this time it was recent and it was a guy begging to have maid for an environmental illness. In front of the whole support group, I refused and ended up scolded for my lack of "inclusivity". Bananas. And then the pandemic happened and Ive written some of the story...it's amazing what has happened to people.
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Great piece. It’s a shame so few people know Thomas Sowell’s work
Watch my live stream recording from today.
Thankfully I'll never have that problem. At 72 years old, having witnessed Communism, an armed invasion and a war, I am immune to the milk of human kindness. Everyone's a dick. Except my dog for whom my love knows no bounds
I’m not sure that reserving compassion for only those who might benefit from it is the lesson here. If I am able to offer something to another, I also must practice accepting that the gift may or may not be taken up, or that any action I take can change someone else. I don’t know what that person’s path is, or what lessons they are here to learn. In fact, it is not my business. My business is to recognize the divine in another and in me and have my actions arise out of that.
This is an interesting point.
My point was not to reserve compassion for the worthy, but to reserve help for those open to receiving it. Or those asking.
Knowing the difference between meddling and mending, helping and harming, counselling and controlling, rescuing and enabling. It’s not cut and dry.
Do we say something, or nothing?
It is not easy, that’s for sure. It may come down to being quite clear on what is my motive for helping. Quite often, it has more to do with what I think someone else should do based on my own limitations. That is a clue to me to step back and to put my energies into just being a space of acceptance of the other person to be/do what they are about at a certain point in time. It requires constant reflection which is demanding.